Counselor’s
Corner – February 2, 2017
By
Susan Causey, M.Ed., LPC
What
makes my child act this way? Part 3
“A
misbehaving child is a discouraged child.”
A
discouraged child tends to choose negative approaches to meet their personal
goals. When we as parents look beyond our child’s misbehavior to peer into
their needs, we may find that we can help them transform their bad behavior.
One
of the five goals which a child needs is to develop and protect their own
fragile, emerging identity and sense of self-worth. If we are hurt by what our
child says or does, it is possible they are seeking revenge or striking back
because their own “ego” is hurt. We never should allow our children to be
disrespectful to us as adults. However, if our child is acting out of his own
hurt, we may want to look deeper to see if we are disciplining or behaving in a
way which would provoke him to respond in such a way. For instance, we may be
saying things in jest, but he is taking them seriously, or we may appear to be
more lenient on a sibling, fueling dissension. Discouragement and hurt set him
up for a failure cycle.
If
children think little of themselves because of previous mistakes or failures,
they will feel discouraged and act out in ways which they think are expected
from them. Low self-image leads to discouragement, which leads to misbehavior
and then to punishment or rebuke, which fosters more feelings of inadequacy.
Thus, precipitating the negative cycle.
If
we as parents can “catch them being good,” or find things throughout the day
which they are doing well and encourage them through our words and actions, we
may break the negative cycle and build a success cycle instead.
Proverbs
14:1 teaches, “A wise woman builds up her own household.” Words of
encouragement build up your child and gives him courage to face challenges of
life with a healthy sense of his God-given worth.
Here
is a list of encouraging words to say to children:
·
I
love you.
·
I’m
sure you can find a way to solve this problem.
·
Boy,
you worked so hard on that! It really shows.
·
I
have faith in you to figure it out.
·
I
know you don’t like doing this, and I thank you for doing it anyway. It really
helps.
·
The
amount of detail you added to this drawing makes it seem so life-like.
·
You
must feel so proud of yourself right now!
·
Your
eyes easily spotted the quickest way through that maze.
·
I
noticed that you’ve been working hard at cutting your own food.
·
You
did it!
·
Thank
you for putting all of our towels in the laundry. It helps us get ready much
faster.
·
Trust
yourself.
·
It
sounds like your body is trying to tell you something.
·
I
noticed how long you stuck with that.
·
You
have the right to feel angry.
·
I
can tell that some special mom/ dad time would help you right now.
·
How
do you feel about what you accomplished?
·
I
appreciate your cooperation.
·
Thanks
for helping.
·
What
do you think?
·
What
do you need to do to accomplished your goal?
·
I’m
listening.
·
That
was hard for you; thank you!
·
I
can see you are really angry right now, and that’s OK.
·
What
would you do about it?
·
I
just want to sit and be close to you for a few minutes.
·
It’s
OK to be sad.
·
I
appreciate you setting the table so neatly.
·
Wow!
·
I
know you are upset. I would be too.
·
You
can try again tomorrow.
·
What
is your understanding of what needs to happen?
·
Your
piggy bank is getting really full; it must have taken you a long time to save
all that.
·
You
decide.
·
I
have faith that we can find a respectful solution.
·
Look
at what you’ve accomplished!
·
You
are capable.
·
Thank
you for getting dressed so quickly.
·
I
noticed you gave your toy to that boy when he was sad. I bet it helped him feel
better.
·
What
is your plan for getting this done?
·
I’m
sorry.
·
I
love you.
·
You
lead the way.
“A
child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.” ~Rudolph Dreikurs
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