Counselor's Corner

What makes my child act this way? (Part 2)

The previous Counselor’s Corner newsletter outlined the five subliminal goals which a child seeks to achieve. As a refresher, the goals are:

·        Contact (a sense of belonging)

·        Power (a measure of control)

·        Protection (keeping their self- esteem secure)

·        Withdrawal (a timeout from emotional stress)

·        Challenge (building their strength of identity)

Each of these goals can be achieved in a positive way or a negative way. As parents we can help provide positive channels for reaching them. An excellent clue to what our child needs when he is acting out is found in how his behavior makes us feel. Once we determine the goal, we can be more direct in providing the positive channel. We’ve discussed how undue attention-seeking makes us annoyed, clueing us that the child needs to feel a sense of belonging through the family, church, teams, and other extra-curricular activities.

When we feel angry, there is a good chance that our child is seeking power in a negative way. He is seeking power through rebelling, with passive or active resistance to what you desire or expect from him. Perhaps he is going through some “growing pains” and striving for a little bit more independence.

Overly strict or authoritative parents may experience more of this struggle, because the child is pushing back from what he feels. There is an axiom that states: “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.” If you sense this may be you, try spending more time showing interest in the things with which he is interested. Be sure and tell him how much you love and admire him. Find his strengths and compliment him on them regularly.

However, some children’s personalities are naturally more geared toward wanting independence. There are milestones when your child may feel that he needs to break away a bit. This happens more dramatically in the early teen years. It can be very painful if you have enjoyed an extra close and warm relationship in earlier years.

A great way to provide positive strides to this goal is to give your child a sense that he owns some of the decisions which are being made. Of course, these choices need to be ones with which you are comfortable. For instance, after having a discussion on what you think your child’s gifts are, you may outline the choices he has to pick from with his extra-curricular activities. Negotiating within your own comfort zone and giving your child the opportunity to make some of the everyday decisions helps him to gain the sense of power and control he is after.